It was exhausting, and
terrifying, and thrilling, and more exhausting. I know that, at the end
of large projects, everyone says, "I learned a lot!" But, I actually did
learn a lot. Some of the things I learned were things I'd been taught
before, and needed to relearn.
The Exhausting:
Everything. The planning, the re-planning, the tweaking, the scrapping and starting over mid-way through...everything. My creative process is definitely a "process." I'm sure I could have been labeled officially certifiable at several points. I've gotten scarily good at keeping any visible insanity to a minimum in public spaces. I'm not sure whether that's a good skill, or a bad one.
The Terrifying:
Every time someone commissions me for work, I become terrified. Not because I'm afraid of people (a good beer will kill that paranoia in no time), but because of the imposter's syndrome that pops up. I never feel that I'm talented enough to actually make work for other people. I smile, I nod, I write up a contract and sign it, all while thinking, "Oh crap, this is happening. What is this? Do they know what they're asking? Do I? Do I tell them I'm not as good as they think, or let them find out on their own?" Granted, I haven't had as much commission work as some of my peers. I have to wonder if those more experience than I ever go through that thought process, and if so, if they ever grow out of it. I hope I don't fully grow out of it. Being terrified has led me to make some cool stuff. Maybe not cool enough to change the world, but cooler than I usually make, and that's good enough for me. Plateaus are the worst. When I get terrified, I have a mental relapse, and then a giant leap forward, as if I were pulled back taut like an arrow on a bow and then let go to fly wherever I felt like smashing through a wall.
In every recent case, the wall is my brain. It used to be that the wall was people telling me not to do things. Not for any good reason. Just, "because you can't." Girls don't dress like that. Girls don't act like that. You can't do that and be respected. You can't build that, you can't go there, you can't do that. Now the wall is all the crazy in my own head, talking and yelling and arguing and leading me in twelve different directions at once until all I can do is sit and wonder why none of it is leaking out of my drawing hand.
I am in no way an amazing individual. I am quite mediocre. But every time I make art, I feel I am slightly less mediocre at the end than at the start, and that's all I can ask of myself.
I'm being super contemplative right now, which means I'm either hungry, or listening to The Doors. In this case, it's both.
The Thrilling:
I made something. A whole project, with a plot an everything. I haven't done that in such a long time. I've done projects here and there, and they were fun, and I certainly learned while working on those, but this one was a bit different. On this one, I learned how awfully complex I make things for myself. I mean, I knew that, but I'd forgotten. Halfway through, I realized the way I was working was stupid. I simplified it, and simplified it some more. It pains me to take things away rather than to add them on, but it had to be done. My sleep schedule still suffered, but not as much as it would have. I made something. Just saying that is thrilling for me.
My setup. As you can see, I'm not running a multi-million dollar business, here. I just do what works for me. Please politely ignore the laundry basket in the back.
The video isn't the greatest video that's ever been made, or that I'll ever make. It's a thing I made that I rather enjoy. It's progress. If you see it, and you hate it, that's fine. I've made something, and I'm proud of that.
I'd like to thank Ben O'Neill,
the artist whose song was used as the creative base for this video.
He's a cool dude, and a UArts grad. If you love me, you'll go buy is
album. *wink wink.* If you don't love me, well, that's cool...I guess.
Whatever. I'll just go sit in the corner and sulk. Or eat ice cream;
whichever response is stronger. Probably ice cream. Sorry. But buy his
album, anyway.
I'd also like to thank the late author Brian Jacques. I have a picture of Martin the
Warrior hanging on my desk at home. It takes me right back to the sixth
grade, and I don't even care.
Oh yea, and I'm trying out being on an actual website. Should be interesting. :)
Have another production shot for your eyes:
Pile O' Body Parts
